In Honor Of My Husband

Our house is so quiet now that you're gone.
I walk silently through the hallways
Expecting to see you but knowing that I won't.
I talk to you but I can't hear your voice.

I miss you.
Your beautiful face, the one I fell in love with so many years ago,
Your touch, the one that excited and warmed me.
We loved each other so deeply,
I don't doubt that you can hear me even now. 
I see you in my mind,
I feel the whisper of your touch.

I wanted just a few more minutes with you before you left.
I wanted to tell you that I loved you just one more time.
Even though we knew that final day was near,
It came as a shock when at last you let go.
I will remember that day always.
You were having trouble speaking
And I was tearfully attending you,
But you looked me in the eye, smiled, and gently stroked my arm.
I can't remember if I told you that I loved you that day, but you knew.

Steve, you are gone from this world,
But you live forever in my heart.
Wait for me.
One day we will be together again eternally.

__________________________________________

Steve Lawson - 1/28/46 to 08/14/16

A Recipe For Joy

People who know me understand that cooking is not my favorite activity. I find it messy, tedious, and hard work. It's not that I'm a poor chef, my results are usually creative and edible. No one complains (outloud) and no one goes starving. Preparing meals is just not my calling. My favorite thing to make is reservations. 

I wrote the following based on inspiration from Mary Oliver's poem, "Don't Hesitate"


A Recipe For Joy

Ingredients

• Equal parts laughter and silliness
• 1 heaping heart of love
• Pinch of sarcasm
• A grain of salt
• 2 handfuls of compassion

Blend thoroughly until waves of smiles appear.
Pour into a well seasoned soul.
Bake for a lifetime.

Serves one and all.

The Blazing Soul

A desire to do more or be more in life can be analogous to a fire. It is a powerful, driving force. Although fire can be destructive, it also clears a path for new growth. Is it safe to give in to this passion, the excitement of the glowing possibilities? I will fan the flames of my heart, eager to see what it ignites.

The Blazing Soul

There's a fire blazing in my soul.
A hungry, burning sensation,
Crackling, flaming.
Not an ember but a roaring full force fire.

What is this?
Should I snuff it out or
Pour more fuel to feed it?

Should it be controlled?
Let its power grow large?

A fire has its majesty.
It can be cleansing and terrifying all at once.

Beautiful, hot, raw energy.

Yes, let my soul burn,
Forging new paths,
Preparing unexpected pleasures.

Dreamscape

What happens when we sleep, when we dream? Are our minds unraveling our waking issues? Fantasizing about what could be? It feels so real when these images visit us. Our bodies rest but I think our minds never do. Sometimes I believe I've had no dreams but then my husband will ask me what I was dreaming about because I was kicking, swatting, mumbling, giggling, or screaming. Does that happen to you? 

My poem was inspired by Mary Oliver's poem, "Sleeping In The Forest".

Dreamscape

Most nights
I dream silently
Not remembering them
When I wake.

My mind must be working though
Even when my eyes are closed.
I wake up with fingers and hair caught in knots
From twisting and twirling them in anxiety.

At times my heart wakes me up
It's beating so fast, 
It scares me.

I'm hot, I'm cold,
I turn from side to side.
One pillow, two pillows
Blanket or not.

Like the sleeping beauty princess
Who feels the pea under a mountain of mattresses,
Or Goldylocks 
Who has to try everything
To find what's just right.

Will my mind 
Just rest peacefully tonight
Before I lose my hair and my mind?

"Relax" I tell myself.
There's no monster under the bed
Nor in my head.

Or is there?

The Master Plan

The Master Plan

Time is marked by moments of happiness.
I say "moments" as life is not a continuum of joy and peace.

Thankfully not.

For, if our time here were only gentle and awesome,
We would never want to leave
For the Kingdom above.

Why should we if we have heaven on earth?
That is not the Master plan.

We are to know sorrow at times,
To suffer down deep,
In order that we may trust in relief,
Be consoled by faith,
Give thanks at all times.

Without sadness we cannot have gladness.
Thankfully so!

Treasures Of The Heart

Hearts are the life force of all beings. It ensures that the body gets what it needs to survive. It can fail at times, both physically and spiritually. We should do what we can to feed it in order that we may be healthy and strong.

This poem was inspired by a grouping of lacquered boxes.

Treasures Of The Heart

Like a small box,
My heart holds secrets and shame,
Pride and purpose,
Light and love.

As with a key
I keep some of what is stored inside locked away.
It's just between God and me.

There are drawers that slide open with ease
Ready to release the laughter and joy,
The sorrow and sympathy, 
The anger and confusion.

With felt-lined pockets
I lay my soul within.
It is safe here.
I have room enough for you.

Life - What A Party!

It can be difficult to feel hopeful when there is a great loss. Sorrow and pain are natural in life. We are not alone. After a time, we must stand again and let go of the grief because there is so much more to cherish and celebrate before and ahead. As Dolly Parton said, "If you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain".

My poem was inspired by Joan Fleming's poem "The Party", included in Ann Hisle's book, "My House Burned Down and Now I Can See the Stars". Her book is about life's losses and finding hope and inspiration. 


Life.
What a party!

It's an event we often forget to celebrate.

Instead of shuffling our feet,
Keeping our heads down low
And shoulders bent over with pain,
We should be dancing in the streets
With our faces pointed towards the sky.

Let's give thanks!
Live without regrets,
Forget our failures,
Let go the woes,
Release the tension,
Unbind what ties.
It's only in our heads.

Strut your stuff,
Wear your finest,
Laugh whenever you can.

Act a fool
And ignore the naysayers -
They're not having fun.

It's your LIFE!
How will you spend it?
What time will you have?

I say - party on!

Dig Deep

Inspired by Mary Oliver's poem, "When I Am Among the Trees"

Dig Deep

It is said that a tree whose roots are deep
Never the wind will fell.

I need to know how deep is deep?
There are times I feel my soul is
Ready to snap, 
Ready to break.

Wouldn't it be simpler just to lay down?
Let pain and sorrow breeze right over me?

How much can I take?
How far must I bend?

Not a mighty oak but a weeping willow.
Deciduous not evergreen.

I will tell myself, "Keep growing, dig deep".

I Always Have

My husband has had various kinds of cancers for many years. He is incredibly resilient and masterful in this battle. I admire him and adore him. Even still, cancer sucks. Together we are soldiering through this period in our lives, leaning on hope and each other.

This poem is inspired by Naomi Shihab Nye's poem, "Kindness".

Look no further,

Look no longer,

     I am with you---

     I always have.

Let me lift you,

Let me kiss you,

     I do love you---

     I always have.  

Little time,

Little pleasures,

     I so thank you---

     I always have.

Life's Badges

Old age is for the lucky who make it there. Our outer appearance changes, we may forget where we put our keys, or mismatch our clothes. But the inner soul remains youthful and eager to proceed in life. 

My poem was inspired by Asian wooden figurines, one being an old man stooped over but looking to be walking on a path.


Life's Badges

My spine is curved forward
And I walk with a cane.

My beard is white
And my head bears no hair.

My teeth are false
And my eyes are a blur.

At times my hands tremble,
My mind draws a blank.

I don't sleep through the night,
But nap in the day.

I can remember being a child
As if it were yesterday,
But today I have trouble recalling your name.

These are the badges
I've earned with my age.

I'm old but not broken,
A little tattered and worn.

My time in this body
May be drawing to end,
But I cherish where it has taken me.

This is a gift.
What a wonderful life!

Stuck On You

Life hurts sometimes. It may be a physical, emotional, or spiritual "boo-boo" but these can be healed and made new again. We are fantastic beings!

My poem was inspired by a box of band-aids.

Stuck On You

Like a band-aid,
I'm stuck on you.

I will do my best to protect you from further harm,
Keep you safe, keep you warm.

I will guard over you,
Stand by you,
And never let you fall.

With so many things that can get under your skin,
So many things that can go wrong,
I will stick with you, my love.
Nothing dare pull us apart.

Count on me, 
Trust in me,
I've got you covered.
________________________________________

Everyday, it seems like there's something to report, 
a new sympton, ache or problem. So many troubles visited on a single soul. I am deeply troubled and sorrowful for you. I wish that our lives were different today, that there were more of the yesterdays, that a simple band-aid would patch the pain. I hate to see you suffer. 

Come what may, together we can.

Springtime

Nature is amazing. With each season, our earth metamorphoses and brings exciting changes. Spring is spectacular, unveiling itself with new growth and possibilities. A great life lesson!


Springtime Is Here

Spring rains bring floral sprays,
Lilies, lavendar, foxglove, and daisies.
Rainbows of color,
Comehither scents for the bees.

Nature renews what was lost in the frost,
A rebirth of sorts, 
A promise of hope.

Prepare for the future,
The new season is here.
Rejoice in the splendor,
The wonder,
The pizazz!

For My Daughter

My daughter, Sarah, is now a manager working for our local In-N-Out restaurant. She was chosen to spend 6 weeks helping to train employees and open a new restaurant near Monterey, California. This is the first time she has been away from home.  She is beautiful inside and out and will undoubtedly go far in her career whether it be ruling over burger staff or running a corporation. 

It is hard when a "bird leaves the nest", even if temporarily, but this is a great opportunity and I am so proud of her! 

My daughter. My darling.

As you leave today

For adventures beyond,

I find myself weeping 

With tears of two sorts.

One is for joy

As I realize you are all grown up

And the world is yours to explore.

The second are tears of sorrow

because you are all grown up

and no longer mine.

I open my arms to let you go free

But hold you close in my heart

And there you shall stay.

Go on, introduce yourself to the world,

Sail the seas, 

Ride the winds,

Climb every mountain,

Sing in foreign notes.

You will amaze all you meet

And spread joy when you leave.

Just know you are forever in my thoughts

And my heart is your home.